Linkin Park was his new interest. "Breaking the Habit" was the current track.
Or why I have to scream?
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean!
I don't know how I got this way;
I'll never be alright!
So, I'm breaking the habit!
I'm breaking the habit!
I’m breaking the habit!
He was standing all alone in the dimly lit room. Rain clouds were gathering; for once, BBCs weather forecast seemed to be spot-on! He caught his reflection on the glass window... Those eyes! He stared long and hard... Those were the same eyes she had admired. They could express and convey his emotions with ease. They could reveal what his face would otherwise easily hide. Whenever he would look into her beady eyes, his would nuzzle and rest in those sockets. It would seem to her as if those eyes radiated all the care and warmth in the world. But the same optic spheres held a curse...
It was beginning to drizzle. The raindrops hit against the window pane and there was a distant rumbling... Thunder... The rumbling grew louder. His memory cells twitched. 'Fulminate' was one word he would often associate with himself; others being 'Poetic' and 'Mysterious'. That was the curse. For, the same deep eyes which could radiate endless care and warmth could also flush with temper; a temper so vehement that it would transform him into a Rage elemental. Paroxysmal!
The rain pattered against the window and lightning flashed... His calm self was unperturbed by the sudden ruminations. He felt no emotion and the thoughts continued to flow. George Michael's "Careless Whisper" was in his ears.
The careless whispers of a good friend.
To the heart and mind,
Ignorance is kind.
There's no comfort in the truth;
Pain is all you'll find!
I'm never gonna dance again!
Guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend,
I know you're not a fool.
Should've known better than to cheat a friend,
And waste this chance that I've been given.
So I'm never gonna dance again,
The way I danced with you!
He never had many people around him. And he had no problems. In fact, he preferred the handful he could count-on any day. It was not that he was not approachable. He was very much affable and amiable. 'Tis just that he wanted his space. He often kept to himself; but never shirked away from people. His eloquence and clarity of thought charmed ladies and gents alike. He had a pretty ordinary sense of humour... He could get boring and he knew it. He wouldn't mind. No one was a complete package. He was proud of the person that he was- independent. There was an air of ego about him; the way he would scoff at mediocrity could testify that! But, his belief in 'Acceptance' would bury any differences. The only possible reason as to why he preferred a handful of souls around him.
She had been the opposite which completed him. Her ebullient self would often force him out of his shell. His infectious enthusiasm brushed on her too. She was impressed by his forethought, his demeanour and most importantly, his impeccable straightforwardness. In a verbatim, she had once said, "You are straight as an arrow." He was one who could call a spade a spade without batting an eyelid. Never once did she think that those eyes she admired so much held a curse.
"Hotel California" was nearing its end.
Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice.
And she said "We are all just prisoners here; of our own device."
And in the master’s chambers,
They gathered for the feast
The stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can’t kill the beast!
He was too straight in his dealings. For all his beliefs in 'Acceptance', he could not 'accept' anything that he felt was unfair. Especially hypocrisy. Which was why, one fateful evening his fury blazed forth- when she blurted out he was being a "trouble" to her. The composed bearing she had known for two odd years was hitherto lacerated and in its place was the Rage elemental. There had been an earlier instance when she had doubted his integrity, but that had been resolved by the sensible soul she had known. That had endeared him to her; a lot. But now, those eyes flushed with uncontrollable fury; his countenance, contorted in a scowl she had not known; and his profile was that of a Netherbeast. Once, she had laughed it off when he candidly admitted his flaring temper. She had now seen it all.
The rain did not seem to relent. The smell of soaked Earth pleased him immensely. He felt as if he was one with Nature. Mercurial... He had never hidden anything about himself; except for his deepest feelings, of course. There seemed to be a faint streak of sado-masochism in his personality. He was not one to give way to emotion; he had his own way of dealing with things. A touch of sadism because the Rage would [initially] not bother about the pain inflicted on her; and masochism because he dwelt in the pain she had caused him... Linkin Park was in his ears again. "Numb"...
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface.
Don't know what you're expecting of me,
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes!
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you!
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there!
Become so tired so much more aware;
I'm becoming this.
All I want to do,
Is be more like me and be less like you!
All her apologies fell on deaf ears and were met with brusque, scathing sarcasm. Yes, she was at fault and she did accept it, however late. For once, it was against the laws of Nature and Relationship. It was the girl and not the guy who had blown up a what was a beautiful relationship. But then, by that time, he wanted his space again. No longer did he wish to be a "trouble", however [un]intentional, to anyone. His ego, pride and vanity conveniently shielded him from any possible repercussions. He ensured that she would cease to depend on him for emotional support. And with that, he had chucked the last option of any possible 'reunion' right out of the window.
He had no regrets. He had but one feeling... He had allowed his darker side to dominate when he could have been his usual, sensible self. But then again, he loathed hypocrisy. For all the 'big' words she had used on him, she had... He had always been himself. He had a nice and a nasty side to him; which he had not hidden from her. He lost someone whom he had sincerely adored. He knew it.
He continued looking out of the window. The weather was a welcome change. Zeus' lightning-bolts still filled the evening sky. Each one vying for brilliance. Hephaestus must have had a hard time forging them. Michael Jackson's "Who is it?" got our man thinking again.
I am the dead,
I am the agony
Inside the dying head!
This is injustice!
Woe unto Thee!
I'll pray this punishment
Would have mercy on me!
He was philosophical with his pondering. "No one is perfect.", he was to later reflect. "It is 'Acceptance' that binds people. In our case, we accepted almost everything about each other. We were to later discern that I could not accept her bouts of hypocrisy and she could not accept my fit of... For all the 'Fire and Ice' tags we associated with our friendship, one thing was pretty much conspicuous- it had been too hot for her and I had been too cold about relenting. That is life. The test comes first, and then the lesson. It is up to us to learn the moral of each lesson." He had moved on. She did not want him in her life. Yet, she wanted him to stay on as her good friend. A grim smile crossed his lips. She had always been so- a bouquet of contradiction!
Perhaps, it was the best thing that could happen for both of them. They had grown to known each other very well, albeit for a season. They complemented one another and there was a lot they had learnt from being together. And finally, when it was time, they parted in the same manner that they had met. As two separate individuals in the walk called "Life".
The rain had by now reduced to a drizzle. Was it the calm after a storm...? Linkin Park was playing again... "What I've Done".
Put to rest,
What you thought of me.
While I clean this slate,
With the hands of uncertainty.
So let mercy come,
And wash away
What I’ve done!
I'll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become!
And let go of
What I’ve Done!
For, what I’ve done
I start again,
And whatever pain may come,
Today this ends!
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!